Half Moon Bay Weyr - Corrals
Enclosed by a wooden fence on one side and the steep walls of the weyr on the other is a couple acres of grass that holds the Weyr's herdbeasts and wherry flock. While this dragon feeding area is smaller than most of the Weyrs on Pern, there is still enough room for a large dragon to swoop down and grab his dinner with relative ease.
It's past midnight, heading towards 'morning' but not nearly there yet, when S'van wakes with a start in the barracks. In the dark, his tension is not necessarily obvious, though there's a light sheen of sweat across his skin that catches the light. With a soft groan, he swings his legs to the side of his cot, drops his head into his hands, and takes several deep breaths. But the suffocating feeling does not leave, and after a moment, he grabs his boots in his hand and rises, leaving his shift and weyrling knot behind. Stepping around the sleeping Aedeluth, he heads quickly for the door. Outside, he stops long enough to pull on his boots but not tie them. Quickly, stride purposeful, he walks across the training field and straight for the corrals, only stopping when he finally comes to a tall tree near the fence that houses the beasts.
The barracks have now been their home for a good long while. It's hard not to know what goes on in your home. People might try to hide their coming and goings but you will always notice eventually. It isn't the first time that Baylee has noticed Sev sneaking out of the barracks and at some point you want to find out what is going on. So she leaves her own cot and heads out into the night to try to track him down. It's not all that difficult to track him to his final location, "Sev? What are you doing out here?"
S'van was not expecting anyone, so Baylee's voice in the dark makes him jump and spin, looking ready to flee or fight, whichever is appropriate. It takes a half-second for her voice and figure to register, and when it does the tension kind of leaks out of him, and he leans back against the tree. "Baylee… you scared the- well. You scared me." But though he may be relieved it's her, and not a Weyrlingmaster, her question makes him tense up just the same. "I needed some fresh air. To think." A pause, and a glance across the corrals as he murmurs, "This is where I feel safe."
Baylee is not a weyrlingmaster. Thankfully because chances are he'd be busted and so would she, "There is fresh air in the yard." she points out. Not that she's trying to pull him away from his safe space, "If you get caught out here they'd probably do something to do you." Or something like that. She moves closer to her fellow weyrling, "What is going on Sev? You've done this before too. It's gotta be something big." It cant' be good if it keeps him up like that at night.
"If they catch me in the field, they'll still do something to me," is S'van's murmured reply, gaze cast towards the wall on the far side of the corral. As if it might come to him, or he could teleport to it with just a glance. But no. He does, though, move towards the fence to grip the top slat with his hands. A glance for Baylee as she moves closer, but he doesn't look upset about it. Her question makes his teeth clench and his grip tighten, and there's a look about him that Baylee may know well. One that says he's about to shut down and put up a wall. Only this time there is a hesitation, and maybe it's the seclusion of the night that has him more willing to speak. "It's a lot of things," he admits. "Some of it me, some of it… not me." A glance her way, a searching sort of look in the dark. "You have to promise not to tell anyone. Not even Myrakath."
There must be something really wrong here going by his reactions. There's a whole lot of things that just don't add up, "Sev I'm not interested in blabbing your secrets all over the weyr. There wouldn't be much point to that." It wouldn't be a kind to thing to do besides, "If you don't want me to tell anyone I won't. Even Myrakath." Though keeping things from a dragon is alwyas a dicey sort of process.
"It's not really my secret to tell," admits S'van. "That's why I didn't say anything before. If it was me, well… I'd tell you. But it's not about me. So I'm sorry, but I am going to be a little… vague." But he takes her at her word, nodding his head briefly. "I sneak out because I can't sleep in the barracks. It's stifling. I can't breathe sometimes. It's like everything is just pressing in on me. J'en thought it might be claustrophobia, but I haven't had a chance to speak to anyone about it. It started in the candidate barracks," a glance her direction, "This isn't the part that's a secret. I'm just explaining why I leave." Because it wasn't to be deviant. It was to escape. "R'hyn caught me, once. When I was a candidate. Then Cita started giving me a tea, and it helped me sleep. But lately… it's not helping like it used to." Another little breath, and he's no longer looking at Baylee anymore, but across the corrals again. "I have nightmares. Bad ones. They wake me up, and then I can't go back to sleep. They started when I learned some… things about someone I love. Really bad things."
One of those sorts of things. Sometimes carrying other people's secrets its even more difficult thant carrying your own. Baylee just stands nearby, she won't hover over the poor man, "Maybe you should get another idea from her?" If the tea isn't working then maybe something else could. The healers do have other means most likely? "Nightmares can be bad." No one likes those creepy things, but some people do have genuine horrors in their lives that make the nightmares all that much worse, "When we say really bad things what sort of really bad things are we talking about?" Really bad things is vague just as he said it would be. But almost too vague to offer any thoughts on what to do about it.
Lips pressed into a thin line, there is but a small nod of S'van's head as he acknowledges Baylee's suggestion. "Maybe," for something stronger. "But I don't want to be groggy for lessons…" though that's not really his concern, at this moment. And a case could be made that perpetual sleep deprivation isn't any better for the mind. A flash of grey eyes towards Baylee's brown, and he murmurs, "Really bad. The kind of thing that makes you want to kill someone else," he says vaguely. A brief pause, as he thinks through how to word things without being too divulging. "Someone took advantage of them, when they were younger. And it went on for Turns. And it has left lasting scars, both physical and emotional. Psychological, even." Hopefully that is specific enough, because he's not going to give any more details. Though he will offer a soft, "Do you remember the day I kinda… went off at Krenn in the infirmary?" probably. He remembers it clearly, at least. "I never should have reacted that way, but I had just found out about all of this. I didn't know how to handle it… It was like for the first time, I knew what evil was."
Baylee can understand his wishes there. No one wants to be groggy during lessons, especially with the lessons they are doing now and are coming up, "Maybe she'd have something that wouldn't cause you to be groggy afterward." There are all kinds of sleep aids after all. Though as he goes on she frowns. Without him going into great detail she thinks she might have a good grasp of what is going on here, "Ok." is all she says. She isn't going to ask for more details thats for sure, "Yeah I remember that." Krenn probably remembers it too. It was one of the more memorable moments of candidacy, "Evil is real." she says. She might not have experienced alot of it, but it's out there prowling and waiting, "Sounds like this person could use a mindhealer." Things can get better and don't have to stay broken, "If they'd be willing to go. You could probably go too." Might be good for Sev too.
Sleep aides forgotten for the time being, S'van just nods his head for the mention of evil. "It is," with a sort of finality to it. An abstract concept was made very real to him, and it's rocked him to the core. "Baylee… I'd never wanted to kill someone before. I mean honestly kill someone. If the man that did this wasn't already dead, I know for a fact I would have been OK ending his life myself." And maybe that scars him more than anything else, because he's taking deep breaths and gripping the fence so tightly he's likely to have splinters for the effort. At her suggestion of a mindhealer, he nods his head a little in the dark, though he doesn't look at her again. "They… are. Have been. Continue to see one. It's just… me that's dealing with this. It happened a long time ago, but for me… well, it's still newish. It's been a few months since I've known but…" and he shrugs just a little. "I'm fine during the day. It's the nightmares that bring it all up again. And it just doesn't help that the barracks are so stifling."
Baylee has never had a desire to kill someone before. Or anything really even close to that. Sure she might have wanted to make Re'a look foolish and drive the other woman away but kill? Thats a whole other level. "You aren't the killing sort Sev." She knows that much about him. He might be crabby and sometimes blunt but a killer? No. "I think you have ever right to be mad, but don't let yourself think you are someone you aren't." This person is getting help at least, "Sev maybe you should see one too. Not because you are crazy or anything but just because you need to talk all this out. So you can sleep again." If for no other reason than that.
"What if I am?" And there it is. The heart of the matter. The source of the soul-eating fear that wakes him up at night, uttered as soft murmur into the dark. "How do you know I'm not? I never would have thought it, but I just… it's like this rage just boiling in me. And I try to keep it back, because I don't want to hurt someone on accident." He falls silent for a moment, considering her suggestion, letting it roll around in his head. "I'm not sure it will help," he murmurs, "But I guess I'm willing to try."
Questions like that are scary questions, "If you are you suck at it because you haven't killed anyone yet." Baylee says easily enough. "If you are you've been going to a whole lot of effort to prove to yourself that you aren't. I think thats an encouraging thought." If he is so bothered by this thought it just goes to show how much /not/ him this thought is, "I think you are just mad and need somewhere to let it out is all. I don't think you need to stay this way forever." Talking to a mindhealer might help with that.
There is a small pause, a little furrowing of S'van's eyebrows, and then an honest-to-Faranth laugh for her assessment of his killer abilities. It's short lived, but it's an actual laugh, and it makes some of the tension leak from his shoulders. Slowly, carefully in case of splinters, he lets go of the white-knuckled grip he had held on the corral fence. Maybe it's the sensible way she says things, or the fact that it's all out in the open and no longer swimming around his head, spiraling out of control, that makes him look a little more relaxed. But only a little. "I am mad," he agrees. "But I don't want to stay this way. I don't want to be an angry person," he admits. He takes a deep breath in, holding it briefly before he lets it out, releasing a bit more of the tension in his shoulders.
Laughing is a whole lot better than alot of things that could be going on here. It seems the most common sense way of dealing with it, "I think its good to be mad. It shows you are a human being. We weren't made to stay mad about things forever. Just go see someone and tell tell them everything. They can help you figure out how not to be mad anymore. Especially if this person is already dead." In a case like there there is no one left to be mad at. Baylee leans against the fence and smiles, "It might even be good for Aed."
With the tension leaving him, it's easier for S'van to look over and return that smile, even if his is a faint, ghost of a thing that fades rather quickly. "I will," speak to someone. It's a promise, now. Another little nod, a little sigh, for her common-sense. He was dead. Nothing Sev could do, even if he wanted to. Dead men don't care if you threaten them. "It probably will be," good for Aede. "He's been… good about this tho. The one secret of mine he just won't tell," though he likes to tell all sorts of other secrets. "Thank you for listening, Baylee. Really."
"Good." Baylee says simply. Him speaking to someone who has expertise about this sort of thing will help him out. The beauty of dead people is that they can't hurt anyone else either, "You'll feel better and sleep better too. It won't fix everything but it will fix some things." Hopefully the things that matter. It seems Aed does have some redeeming qualities even if he doesn't show them often, "Good for him." Baylee smiles and nods, "Your welcome. But come on…lets head back to the barracks before we get caught out here."
A nod of his head; an agreement for her assessment of his sleep, as well as of his dragon. Aede isn't so bad, beneath all the gruff. "Yeah," he agrees, pushing from the fence completely as he turns back towards the barracks. "Just walk like you're supposed to be out here, and they won't stop us," he murmurs as they head back. "That's how I avoided getting caught." And once in the barracks, it's a simple enough thing to slip quietly back into ones cot, as if he had never left.