Right or Wrong; Can't Go Back

Summer - Day 25 of Month 8 of Turn 2714
Half Moon Bay Weyr - Lagoon
A sandy beach running along the edge of the lagoon, between the sparkling waters and the bowl. Given the weyr's tropical climate, riders and dragons can be seen playing in the water nearby or a dolphin can be seen cavorting nearly turn-round. At other times seacraft can be seen coming in under the arch to dock. The lagoon is large enough to fill a quarter of the length of the bowl.

It is a pleasant day, with clear skies and a breeze that keeps most of the humidity at bay. It is a perfect day for beach sitting, or ocean swimming, or dragon bathing. And the latter of which is what has brought S'van and Aedeluth down from the sky and onto the sand. The bronze has already been washed, and is drip-drying in the sun as S'van ducks under his wing to poke, and fussy, and pick, and generally mess with the scabs that are finally peeling off and revealing new hide along his side. The long marks left my Teimyrth have, thankfully, not turned into scar-tissue, though the new hide is still a shade darker than it will be once fully healed. The bronze looks bored, swinging his head back and forth with lazy movements as he takes in the beach.

It's a rest day for Catwin, no deliveries to be made, nothing but a chance to enjoy the warmth of the sun. Out onto the beach Catwin and Fascath appear. Catwin is dressed in a looseweave tunic and long flowing skirt. Lightweight and covering. She heads for the covered pavillion as she usually does, out of the sun but with a wonderful view of the water, the people and such. She spies S'van working on Aed and if he happens to peek out from scab picking long enough, she'll give him a little head nod and a bit of a wave. Not having Cat's aversion to water, Fascath has headed straight for the surf. Sliding in until he's deep enough to submerge, the blue does just that. Misty moors sprinkled in heather greet Aedeluth. « Markings are looking quite dashing there. »

Thankfully for both involved (Aedeluth and S'van) the picking does not progress long. The bronze is left to do whatever it is he wants to do, as S'van heads for head-nodding blueriders seeking the shade of the pavilion. It is likely this is an intentionally choice, for he's flashing Cat a grin long before his steps carry him her direction. He steps up into it just as Aedeluth lays flat on the sand, wings stretched to catch the sunlight. "Hey Cat," is offered amiably enough, that wide smile dropped before it becomes 'weird', settling into something much more conversational. « Should see the other guy, » is the smug reply. There is no shame in Aede's game; he totally gave as good as he got. He probably started it.

Fascath is pretty sure that Aede would start it, gotta get the jump on the game after all. « Was she worth it? » is asked, conversational, no touch of envy, just a mild curiosity. "Hello, S'van. Aedeluth is looking good." she notes quietly. "How are you finding wing life?" she asks curiously. "Had much of a chance to do more than train in your skills? Any daring rescues?"

Aedeluth considers the question carefully, though the rolling smugness is thick as London fog. « Was she worth it, » he repeats, rolling the words around, scrolling through screens, dissecting, replaying the events that have already started to fade from draconic memory. But rather than words, he offers feelings and impressions; the rush of the wind in his sails, the adrenaline and lust coursing through his bloodstream, the thrill of the chase and the drive to win and be the best, to capture and claim and own if just for a moment in time. Was she worth it? Maybe. Was the win worth it? « Absolutely. » As for S'van, who is ignoring his dragon's reliving of an event the human-half would rather forget? He just offers a noncommittal shrug of his shoulders. "Not what I expected," he says of wing life. "Though that is because I was not expecting Archipelago." Sore subject? Maybe, though the sting is apparently fading, since he looks not at all disgruntled about it. It's a teasing sort of grump, lacking true displeasure. "But no. No rescues yet. Just a lot of practice, drills, training…" so much training, says the weary look and half-amused, dry sort of smirk. "Jae is a rough Wingleader to serve under." But enough about him. "How is Seamount? I honestly… expected you to go to Reef. Back to the vintner thing…" There is definitely a question there, but it's hinted in the tone of voice and curious lift of eyebrows, rather than blatantly asked.

There's a bit of a shrug "Well, I still can make things and I have. Making liqueurs doesn't take as much time in some ways as making most liquers." She smiles a little "Most all the hard work is done already, it's just mixing things together. Seamount has been nice, Fascath is enjoying it. Though we hit one place during a blizzard. THat was not at all fun. To darn cold with that wind blowing to the core. Fascath jsut loved it though." She can't help but grin. He likes to play in the snow. It's rather amusing to watch him. Fascath sweeps back up onto the beach and then sprawls out onto the beach. « That is good then. If you're going to get torn up, just make sure it's worth it. »

"I guess. But there can't be nearly as much free time…" but Sev won't argue her wing choice; it was just a curious observation that has been answered. A glance for the blue, a grin and a nod. "Yeah, I would imagine that's no fun. Thankfully, we haven't done anything in inclement weather, though I imagine there will be more than one occasion where driving wind and rain is a factor." Disasters don't exactly consider weather conditions before they happen. "Snow's fun," he agrees. "Aedeluth's not much for playing in it, but he got a taste of the cold when we visited Xanadu a few months back." A sturdy post is quickly utilized to lean against, one shoulder propped up as he crosses his arms and glances between blue and bluerider. "You're drinking again." Oh, so casual in the way he says it. Oh, so heavy in the words he chooses. As for Aedeluth? A snort, both audible and mental, for his blue sibling. « Next time, I shall be faster. And avoid the tearing up altogether. Though… chicks do dig scars. »

Lets out a sigh at the mention of drinking and then looks away towards the ocean. She doesn't say anything about it. "I enjoy not having so much free time. I like to be kept busy." And busy she has been. Generally working through most days and sometimes taking extra duties. "I do enjoy a little time to relax, but I don't need to be just sitting around." There's a look at S'van "Course, if I had more time to sit around, I'd have more time to drink even more. Would that be more preferable? Shards. I didn't even have the full glass of whiskey the other night, and here you are harping on me about it. It's not as if you don't drink and who knows how many others vices you might got going on. Sexing it up and all. What do you want from me? Huh? I'm not perfect. I'm not going to be perfect, but I'm happy. ANd if I drink here and there? So what? It's not like I'm jumping off the pier or anything like some drunk the other night." She lets out another sigh and then switches off the subject. "Disasters certainy don't give you a choice of weather or terrain. Be nice though if they scheduled in advance." She says in a lame attempt at humour. Fascath gives a little tail thump « I would expect you to be faster. After all, it's not your wings that are a little off. And those chicks also dig muscles. He flexes his own chest muscles a little. »

S'van just leans, all calm, cool and casual-like against that post, arms crossed in a relaxed manner as he weathers out the storm that is Angry Cat. "True," in light-hearted agreement for free time. For it being an opportunity to drink more. And another, "True," much more resigned for 'harping' on her about drinking, and 'not finishing' that drink. As for his vices? "I don't drink. Anymore." Because he doesn't. Maybe one. MAYBE one. But never two. Never stronger than beer. Not for a long while now. But that doesn't stop him from looking a touch chastised regardless. "Drinking one is fine," he offers, "even two. But Cat… do you really want to be like you were before?" Cause yeah, he's gonna push at that button and weather the consequences. "The fact that you are reacting so damn defensively means you know it was a problem, and could become a problem again." A press of lips into a thin line, a hard look that borders on a stare but is not the least bit angry, and he finally says, "Yeah. No. They don't. But from what I hear… actual disasters are rare. It's mostly drills. Sometimes missing people or missing ships that get pulled off course. The big stuff is usually pretty rare, thankfully. But I'm kinda looking forward to learning how to rappel down a cliff." Aedeluth? He can't decide if that was an attempted insult or actual surprise coming from his brother. There's a pointed muzzle and whirling eyes directed at the blue, a lengthy silence and then, « Well. If you think you can do better… » gauntlet thrown. « Didn't see you there. »

No insult, just observation. Fascath does expect Aedeluth to be better than the others. « I have no need to catch one. But I do not mind them looking. But there is no need for you to go easy on the other chasers. » Catwin stares back out at the water again. She's silent for several moments, but she hasn't gotten up and stormed off so that's something. Finally, she does answer. "I am doing my best to not drown my past in drinking. That's why I went to Seamount. I can't be drunk. I wll not lose Fascath to my carelessness." Note, it's Fascath more than herself she's worried about. "But when I'm not working, and when people, " a pause and then a change of wording, "when things get a little crazy, it's harder to not." she sighs a little "Fascath helps though, he can distract. Or we go flying." There's a soft smile "He can glide for hours on end practically. It's cathartic to be up in the sky, nothing but you and the dragon. Troubles don't seem so troublesome anymore." she notes quietly. "But back on the ground? Back amongst, " a shake of her head "It's harder. Reality hits, and sometimes it hits hard. You don't always see it coming. A look, a phrase. Things."

Aedeluth is the best, of that there is no doubt. At least, no doubt in the bronze's mind. « Someday, you will chase. » Because it is inevitable, is it not? « But you still won't catch, » because Aedeluth will. That is the implication, smug and arrogant as it might be. S'van just leans, and listens, with a serious expression. A long exhale, and a glance towards the beach rather than the bluerider. "It's been Turns, Cat," he says carefully. "At least two, and you're still struggling with this. I know we've talked about this before," which is definitely a careful warning for what he's about to launch into, "but I think you really ought to go talk to someone," and before she can protest, a hand is unwound and raised in a classic 'wait' motion. "Before you bite my head off, you ought to know that I started visiting a Mindhealer about six months into Weyrlinghood. And it helped. Not at first, but it did help. A lot."

A blue head turn to look at Aedeluth and there's a bit of a smug reply « If I chase, I will catch. » There is no doubt in his mind about that. Head is laid back « She will want none other but me. » Catwin eyes S'van and then her eyes narrow. She looks almost as if she is going to say something scatching and then she just sort of deflates and looks away "I have seen one. Turns ago." she murmurs softly. "You see me as I am, or recently been. You haven't seen me as I was." she notes quietly. "You still see someone in need of being fixed. A mended plate will always have cracks. There are some struggle that should never end." she murmurs and then look back over at S'van. "And somethings can never be fixed."

« If you catch, it is because I did not chase, » decides Aedeluth finally, as if that settle the matter. S'van is still looking more or less towards the beach, but that does not mean he isn't paying attention; little glances spared at irregular intervals to assess the situation before he goes back to distant. "I see someone who still struggles with something enough that she'd rather drink her memories away than deal with it," is his quiet observation. "Who only refrains because of her dragon, and not because of her own health and wellness." A pursing of his lips, furrowed eyebrows, and a rather pointed, "Struggles that shouldn't end?" Because this word appears to be very important. "Some things can't be fixed, no. But you can learn to deal with it in a health manner, and not a self-destructive one." A slide of grey eyes, a heavy look upon the tiny bluerider.

There's a glance for the bronze « Then if I do decide to chase, would you be so kind as to not chase? » Niether amusement nor pique can be heard, just a simple matter between men. Catwin just shakes her head a little "It's complicated." she murmurs quietly. "I'm dealing with things, and I will have you know that I am not drinking as much as I was." she states "And no. Some things shouldn't end." she reiterates. "Some things should never be forgotten." There's a pause. Quite a long pause really. And if it wasn't for her next words, she may have finished speaking. But it's there, very soft. A mere breath on the wind, but "or forgiven."

It is a mark of Aedeluth's actual affection for Fascath that he bothers to consider the question at all, another being his answer. « I will consider it. » even if he doesn't sound all that serious about considering. He said he would, so he will. If he amicable, or even remembers that he agreed to such a thing when the time comes is debatable. Over in the pavilion, there is more of that quiet contemplation coupled with heavy and serious looks. "Of course it's complicated! And 'dealing' with things… that's exactly what they are for. To help you deal with things." A narrow eyed look. "That's like me saying I'm not hurting myself as much as I once was. You're still doing it. And it's not the drinking that's the problem, it's the why behind it." Another frown, a rather heated sort of look that he turns toward the beach instead. "I didn't say you should forget," and there is bitterness in his tone that has nothing to do with Catwin. "But there's a difference between remembering something, and holding onto it, punishing yourself over and over, beating yourself up for something that you cannot take back and cannot undo, or that was never in your power to begin with." But silences are left to stretch, and S'van stares at the beach as if he doesn't set it at all. Quiet though it may be, he still hears it. If just because he is completely attuned to her in this moment. And that word — 'forgiven' — has grey eyes sliding back over her direction. It is a long pause indeed as S'van considers her, considers the word, considers how to respond. In the end, it is a simple question, with not so simple implications. "What did you do?"

One could ask for nothing more and Fascath seems quite satisfied with the answer. « Much appreciated. » COurse, he sounds a little distracted now, and instead of drifting off to sleep as he meant to, he is instead attuned to the pavillion now. Catwin is silent for a long time. Somethings never get easier with the telling. Somethings never should. Her gaze glances around the beach and then she's lookin at S'van. "I killed my baby." she says softly, her voice still catching. "Never even had a chance. And I got so tired of hearing that it wasn't my fault everything that happened, that I was not in my right mind. So tired of hearing that the baby might not have survived all the trauma anyways." There's another catch in her voice. "And there are times I just don't want to see anymore. I get tired of dreaming."

Aedeluth will take that nap for him, whirling eyes slowing… slowing… until heavy lids close them completely and a single, deep exhale signals the relaxation that comes with sleep. The only indication that S'van may have been surprised by her response is the twitching of his eyebrows, the small dip to the corner of his mouth, as he takes in the initial shock that such words are certain to garner. But before he can offer a question, a request for clarification, she is continuing and he falls back into silence to let her speak. There is no accusation in his expression; but neither is there pity. He is not masked, not so neutral as to appear devoid of emotion, namely that he cannot seem to settle on the appropriate one to display, his own mind a jumble that plays out in the little twitches of lip and fingers, of grey eyes that flit across the pavilion to the beach, the ocean, the sleeping bronze, and then the blue who is watching them. There's no consiliatory words for Catwin; no admonishments that echo the sort she is tired of hearing. Whether this is because S'van does not feel they are applicable, or because others have already worn them out, is unknown. So there is silence, and vulnerability, before finally some quiet words are spoken for her alone. "For a long time, I didn't sleep," he offers. "For many reasons. One was a general disquiet. An uncomfortable feeling of being in the barracks, of being… trapped. But the bigger reason was because everytime I closed my eyes—" a quick halt, a press of lips and a frown. "There are things in my head that I didn't want to see, didn't want to think about, that came whenever I closed my eyes. Things that I had no part in, and couldn't do anything about, but that killed me inside anyway. And sometimes it was what I wish I could have done. But those were no better, either. Just more blood and death and anger and violence. Cita gave me a tonic, something to knock me out and make me sleep through the night. It was fine, until… " and grey eyes flick to Aedeluth, "Until it wasn't. Until it didn't work anymore, and I took to sneaking out in the night." A bare flicker of a smile, lacking any true amusement. "Baylee caught me. She just… she has a way of making you feel stupid about what you're doing, which is what I needed at the time. And it was her that made me go see a Mindhealer. And so I did. And it helped," he reiterates.

There's a soft little laugh at the mention of Baylee "She has a way of sneaking up on you. This is true, and telling her thing is easy." A pause and then a wry tone "Too easy." She shakes her head. "I got so tired of the mindhealer. Maybe if you found one that doesn't annoy, then maybe I'll reconsider." Though there's dubious doubt to that. "I've been that route." She lets out a sigh "I mean, what more can they tell me? Suck it up? Get over it? More it' not my fault? More of the you weren't in your right mind, you didn't know what you were doing, blah, blah balh?"

"She has a way of telling it like it is, that makes you see through the bullshit," though S'van will also agree, "Far too easy to tell her things. It is a good thing she is trust worthy." So they hope. A sigh, a lift of his hand to run it through his hair. "So find one that doesn't do that. Find one that tells you it's all your fault, how could you do such a thing, if that's what you're looking for. But would that really help? So you don't want to be absolved of the guilt, fine. Don't be. But learn how to deal with it in a way that doesn't put yourself or Fascath in danger." Frustration, at his lack of ability to adequately explain. "I'm not a Mindhealer, I dunno what to say. All I know is it doesn't do anyone any good to linger in that sort of place, even if you think you ought to. Even if you think endlessly punishing yourself for something you did, or didn't do, is the answer. It's not. And letting it go is freedom." Shrug. "If you'd rather stay trapped, then there's nothing anyone else can do about it. It's your choice, Cat. Just thought you ought to know… since we spoke about it before."

"I'm dealing with it." she mutters "As I said, it's why I went to Seamount. If I'm flying and delivering, I'm not drinking, and I'm still not drinking as much as I was. Do you see me here with a drink in my hand? No. I am not. I don't drink when I need to be flying. I will not put Fascath in danger. But what I do on my free time is my business. Shards! What's it matter anyways?" She glares at S'van "AIn't bothering anyone with my nightmares, or anything like that. We've enough empty weyrs around us that I'm sure no one would hear anyways." She goes silent and then she lets out a sigh "What does it matter?" She asks again, softly. "Why does it matter? Why am I so, so not right, the way I am?"

A push off the post, a careful settling of limbs as S'van sits rather than stands, finding the pole at his back as long legs stretch out and arms cross once more. A roll of shoulders that turns into a shrug. "Fine," even if his tone says he does not agree with her. But he won't argue further; he's said all he can and now they are back at square one again. But he will answer that 'what's it matter' bit. "Because you're my friend, Cat. And I don't like to see you…" upset? Hurt? Drunk? All of the above? But the fill-in-the-blank does not come, and he lets the statement drift. A tip of his head back, the soft 'thunk' as it meets the post behind him, and he glances her direction once again. "Are you, though? Are you 'right'? Do you like the way you are now?" It's not accusatory; rather there is genuine curiosity in that question.

There is a quiet contemplation "Do you like the way you are?" she asks after a moment. Curious in a way, and not really meaning the through the question back at him. "Sometime I am, sometimes I'm not. Many time I wish I was the way I used to be. But that can't ever be. I'll never be that young and innocent again. I've experienced too much, seen to much." There's a shrug "Is any of us right? But then is any of us wrong?" she asks. "I was happy and not so upset when I was drinking. Now, with not drinking, I spend too much time thinking. Thus why I want to spend so much time working. But alas, we have to have downtimes too."

Her curious question is given serious thought, S'van's gaze going distant as he considers his answer. "Yeah, I do. In all moments, at all times? No. I'm human. I make mistakes, of course. But predominantly, yeah. I like the way I am, and I like who I am," he says honestly. And then subtle agreement, a murmured, "Can't go back," to the way things used to be. Of being right, or wrong, he seems not to have an answer. Perhaps it is outside the realm of S'van's ability to articulate, or perhaps he does not have an answer. "Have you tried writing?" he wonders. "Channel all of those thoughts into something productive. Or at least get them out of your head and onto paper. Even if no one's gonna read it."

There is dead silence, and then Catwin is just starting at S'van. "Writing?" she asks and then just blinks. It's obvious by her expression that she never even thought about that as something to try. She opens her mouth a moment and then shuts it again. Score one for S'van. "I guess I could try that." she murmur quietly as she looks thoughtful. "It's not something I've tried before." she notes quietly. "Might just work, I can do it like if I was writing a report or something. Those are easy enough to do and I certainly don't mind them."

Point, S'van. Though he's not keeping track. There is, however, a touch of relief in his expression as his suggestion seems to find merit. A shallow nod of his head, just enough to show acknowledgement of her words, though he doesn't contribute anymore of his own at this time. He will just let the idea settle. And then a shift-shift of the bronze on the beach, a rustling of wings and lifting of head, that coincides with grey eyes peeking over yonder in a distant gaze. A chuff of amusement, and then movement of the bronzerider, a pushing of hands and legs as he untangles six-and-a-half feet of person to stand upright once more. "I am glad to see you, Cat," he offers. "I feel like it's so much… less than before." When they lived in the same barracks, and attended the same classes, and flew in the same Wing.

Catwin watches as S'van stands up again "It is good to see you as well, S'van." she says quietly. "And, I guess it is. Everyone has their lives to live. Their work, their loves, their wingmates. Not much time for other things I guess." she shrugs. She glances towards the dragons, a blue watching them and a bronze who is stirring. "Well, seems like someone's awake again." she says with a quirk of a smile. "I, well I suppose we should all try to get together sometime?"

A small, half-smirk threatens at the corner of his mouth, though the serious nature of their previous conversation still has grey eyes hard and dark browns furrowed. S'van offers a quick, "Yeah," for their own lives. "But we make time for what matters. We should definitely get together. Even if it's just for oysters at the Tiki, or maybe a good long flight to parts unknown." The stirring bronze is now an impatient looking bronze, with muzzle pointed in his human's direction. "We're being summoned," he says mysteriously, though there's a glimmer in his eyes that speaks of amusement and mischief rather than serious business. Parting words, as he descends to the sand once again, bare feet quick to cover the ground between the pavilion and waiting dragons. "Just have Fascath reach out to Aede next time you are free. Or heck, if you're going to Fort, let me know and I'll tag along. I owe Sephany a visit." But then up, vaulting with much less grace onto a bare-necked dragon to depart in short order, a hand lifted in a daring display of reckless behavior as he offers a quick 'bye' type of wave as Aedeluth takes to the sky.

Well, at least Sevs not suggestion a party or something equally obnoxious "I'll do that. Maybe not the oysters, they are just a little too slimy for my taste." There's a pause "And well, oysters probably be more useful for you anyways?" she sorta suggests with a little half smile. Is Cat trying to make a crude sex joke? Gasp! "Though it's quite likely I'll have a load to make to Fort sometime in the near future." A pause "It was good seeing you Sev, even if you're bent on 'fixing' me." she rolls her eyes a little. And as he heads off she gives a wave and she watches him fly off. There's a glance towards Fascath and then a shrug.

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